Mother's Day & the untold story of unseen motherhood
Mother’s Day is here, along with all the fabulous Mothery stuff that goes along with it - the Mother’s Day catalogues and the special Mother’s Day magazines all spruiking the best breakfast recipes for Sunday morning, and the most delightful handmade gifts we can make for mum...
It’s all a great and wonderful and special celebration of our mum and grandma and mother-in-law and step-mum! Happy Mother’s Day! x
But...it’s not all breakfast-in-bed and book vouchers. Gulp…for some of us, Mother’s Day is a bit hard…
'There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you' ~ Maya Angelou
This quote is so special to me.
It holds personal significance and professional resonance.
I know so many of you have borne the agony and grief of an ‘untold story’. Untold and quietly kept stories of trying to conceive, or IVF, or baby loss. Grief that's especially felt around Mother's Day.
The untold story of unseen motherhood
The untold story of trying to conceive & IVF
We have this idea that once we're ready to conceive, it will happen. Just like that! I've literally had couples start their preconception care by saying, 'we're starting now because we'd like to conceive in September'...!
Um, ok! I love a plan and putting it out there to the Universe, but...
For 1 in 6 Australians, that's just not how it works.
It takes waaaay longer than expected. Sometimes it even takes waaaay more people - the GP, naturopath, acupuncturist, surgeon, IVF specialist, IVF nurse, embryologist, donor, counsellor.
The experience of trying to conceive, month after month without luck, is hard.
Having unsuccessful IVF egg collections and embryo transfers, is devastating.
Watching your friends, siblings and colleagues get pregnant all around you, is painful.
Keeping a smile plastered on your face when asked 'when will it be your turn'...is an untold agony.
These women are incredible, and are usually walking the path of trying to conceive or IVF with very few people knowing it. Their significant and dramatic story is untold. Weekly appointments and procedures are organised around Zoom-meetings and work commitments. Lunchtime pessary insertion or precisely-timed trigger injections, are done in a stealth-like manner in meeting rooms, bathrooms and cars, all around the country. There are constant sneaky undie-checks for spotting during the dreaded two-week-wait. And heaps of wet-eyed fake smiles when a period arrives instead of a positive pregnancy test.
These are the mum's-to-be. Mother's Day is challenging when all you want is to be is a mum, but it's just not happening.
If this is you, try to create a Mother's Day that's right for you.
♡ If a full-on family day feels too much, see if you can arrange a High Tea instead - they tend to run shorter than a lunch.
♡ Or a Mother's Day experience with your mum where there's some level of distraction - like going to the movies, the art gallery or a cool workshop.
♡ Chat to your partner about how Mother's Day feels for you. Tell your loved one's as well if you feel comfortable.
♡ You might also like to set aside a few moments of quiet reflection to acknowledge your feelings and your deepest wishes for motherhood. Light a candle. Make a wish or a prayer. Write down an affirmation. Speak kindly to your body, your ovaries, your womb. Invite mother-energy in.
I'm wishing you a day of peace and self-love.
The untold story of baby loss
Let me rephrase that heading, because what I’ve come to learn is that every baby does have a story.
For the mother's who have experienced baby loss - your baby had a story, and holds a special place in the Universe.
Your baby was conceived - how magical! Do you know the moment? Natural conception? IVF? Donor?
Your baby was carried - for a short time or for a long time, it doesn’t matter. You shared a circulation for a time. Maybe you had symptoms of baby being there? Maybe you even felt a flutter or kick or two?
Your baby was loved - maybe just by you like a sweet secret, or maybe by many people who knew of bub’s existence.
These are all chapters in your baby’s story. A short story is no less beautiful than a long one. No less poetic, and no less profound.
For all you mothers of babies that aren’t here…yes, you are a mother still.
This Mother's Day (and every day)
♡ Speak your baby’s name in moments that feel right to you.
♡ Keep memento's symbolising your motherhood near to you.
♡ Spend the day in a way that feels meaningful to you.
The agony of not having your child in your arms will always be there, but your baby’s story, and your story of motherhood, need not be untold.
I’m wishing you a day to cherish your motherhood.
Bereaved Mother's Day
When baby isn't here, it makes Mother's Day feel like a surreal time between two sliding doors - the moment where where you are a mum, and the exact same moment where your child isn't here. How does Mother's Day even work with that?
Well, there's Bereaved Mother's Day, held on the first Sunday of May as a special day to acknowledge the mum's without their children here. Not only the mothers to babies who will always be babies, but also the mother's who have seen their children of any age, die before them.
In many ways this is a generous gesture to highlight the immensity of the loss, and to shine a light on these unseen mother's. To make some noise on a silent issue.
I know lots of women will be thankful for this special day to acknowledge their unique loss.
As a bereaved mother, I too am grateful for the gesture.
But...part of me is not thankful…
I say this with love, but I don't really want a separate Mother's Day. I already feel very 'separate' enough thank-you-very-much. Why is my motherhood treated differently to any other? Babies who have died, and the mother's who experience baby loss, are already not really spoken about. The stigma and shame are huge. So ironically, creating a whole separate Mother's Day feeds into this. To me, the message it sends is - keep the sadness of your baby / child away from the happiness of our regular Mother's Day.
I know I'm probably ultra sensitive to this, but someone needs to speak up from the inside, right?
🌸
The take-home is that Mother's day is a special day, and for some a challenging day. We can all be sensitive to this, for ourselves and others.
'There's no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you'...Maya Angelou wasn't referring to fertility or baby loss or motherhood when she wrote this. But it fits. And it serves as a reminder that I am here to listen to your story x
If you find Mother’s Day difficult
♡ If you have any questions for Jacintha about reducing the risk of miscarriage, or your IVF cycle, or trying to conceive after baby loss, please make an appointment to discuss with her
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